Triumphant Victory

Worth It.

2012-01-01T21:19:00.000-08:00

“We dont do easy.”

“Why? Why dont we do easy? Why? Why just once, just once cant we do easy?! What’s wrong with easy? Easy isnt so bad? Other people get it... why the heck cant I have easy?”

“Because you asked for a life worth telling about.”

“Well I certainly didnt know that I was asking for this... and you know what? Actually I dont want a life worth telling about. I want normal, and yes I know that’s a setting on a washing machine but I dont care anymore it’s what I want. I cant take any more of this.”

This was a conversation with God. Obviously, He is the rational one and I am the one ranting about wanting easy as though I’m a child that doesnt like homework or chores. This was pretty much my year, played over and over again like a broken record. Life was hard this year. Very hard. Very scary. Very painful.

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually.

Terrifying. Painful. Exhausting.

I wanted to die. I almost did die. I wanted it to end and I didnt want to hurt anymore. I craved easy. I craved a life that I could control and order about an make everything okay again. I wanted the pain to stop, or I wanted it controlable, and I didnt much care how it did.

The pain didnt stop. I didnt die. Nothing was under my control. It didnt matter what I found to cling to, it would be taken away from me.

Nothing was safe. Nothing was secure. Nothing was easy.

Then about a month ago I sat in a tree, my heart and lungs pounding from the run to get there. The pain in my stomach (yet one more thing I couldnt seem to control) once again to the point near unbearable. And I sobbed. I sobbed like I hadnt in a long time. And in that moment, I stopped. I stopped asking God for easy. I opened my hands. I let go.

“I dont need easy God. but I need to know that you are not going to leave me in this along. Ask me to walk through whatever you want, but I am begging you, do not make me do it myself. I cant. I dont need easy, I just need possible and I just need You. All I am asking for is enough guts to keep on living. To keep getting up day after day. Your strength to keep going.”

Surrender.

Supposed to be so wonderful. So amazing. So heavenly. All that I feel is exhaustion. Like you might feel after you have been running away for a very long time and you finally go home.

The next day I have to fight for it again.

And then next week.

“God, I told you I wasnt going to ask for easy again, well I’m not, but what I am asking for is worth it. This pain, this heartache, this overwhelming grief. That it might all someday be worth it.”

And week after. Again.

And today. Again.

I have to fight. To not take back control. To surrender. To fight for the belief that God is big enough. Strong enough. Loving enough. Truth enough. Good enough. That when I beg Him not to leave me, He wont. That when I beg Him that this will someday be worth it, it will.

To fight for faith greater than what I had yesterday.

That is what I ask of Him for 2012.

Faith greater than yesterday.

To never be asked to go it alone.

For worth it.

He promised, and I will choose to believe Him.

Fight your way through...

2011-10-18T18:22:00.001-07:00

“What nobody tells people who are beginners — and I really wish someone had told this to me . . . is that all of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, and it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not.

But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase. They quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know it’s normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story.

It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”

{Ira Glass}

Studio Final

2011-09-23T13:13:00.000-07:00

2011-09-22T13:16:00.001-07:00

Dear Madey, you are awesome. End of story.

2011-09-21T16:26:00.000-07:00

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2011-09-21T06:48:00.000-07:00

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I call her "Trudy"

2011-09-20T17:58:00.001-07:00

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High Key

2011-09-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

Assignment 1:

Assignment 2:

Assignment 3:

Life lessons from... Tangled.

2011-04-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I love about this movie. So much truth. So much to learn from. But there is one conversation that meant something significant to me; I could relate to Rapunzel in most of the movie, but especially here. It's where she's sitting in a boat, waiting for the biggest moment of her life:

Flynn: "Hey... you okay?"
Rapunzel: "I'm terrified."
Flynn: "Why?"
Rapunzel:"I've been looking out a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what it would feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything I hoped for?"
Flynn: "It will be."
Rapunzel: "And what if it is?"
Flynn: "Well that's the good part I guess, you get to find a new dream."

I dont know about you, but this is me all the way to my core. I have the capability of dreaming big, huge even. I can be (or at least pretend to be) confident in my dreams, and in the pursuit of them, all the way up until they're right there in front of me. Just one more step. Turning one more page. Opening that last door.

And that's when I get stark staring terrified.

Terrified that I'll fail. Terrified it wont work. Terrified that I'm not good enough to live this dream. Terrified that it wont be all that I've dreamt it could be.

And then terrified that it will be... because where could I go then? What's next? Terrified that these are the odds that I'm contending against... Terrified that I'm going to be right, and the odds will win.

Well baby, I think now's the time to defy some odds. It's time to take that last step, to turn one more page, to open that door.

Because when it comes right down to it, that's life really, just a decision to keep going. In spite of fear. Defying the odds. Moving your feet forward when your head is screaming retreat. Having the courage to pursue one dream, and then to find a new one.

Never be afraid to dream a little bigger, friend. Never be afraid to run after your dream till your heart pounds. Dont be afraid to seize the day. And dont be afraid to turn that last page, and write a new chapter. Remember that every ending is only a new beginning.

Cheering for you!

b.r.e.a.t.h.e.

2011-03-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

“You hold no more value because you are running around like a chicken with your head cut off. Your days are numbered, fill them with eternal things rather than a chasing of the wind. Everyone is tired…get off Twitter and GO TO BED. Being a “perfectionist” makes you flawed, not perfect. Being overly busy can deter people from investing in you, and will most certainly lessen your ability to invest in others. You feel more important when you are busy, when you are harried and undone, when you are exhausted at day’s end. Unplug. Put the phone on “silent”. Live life slowly. Sleep in. See if the world keeps spinning. It will. Without your help. Without your accomplishment. Without your control. Without your to-do list. Without your bossy-pants self. Without your hurry. Oh…and lay off the caffeine.”

Taken from: http://deeperstory.com/im-exhausted-are-you-great/

{Excerpts from my Journal}

2010-11-23T17:07:00.000-08:00

This might possibly become a regular section of my blog, I am getting one of my weird-gut-instinct-almost-never-wrong hunches that God is going to start asking me to be a lot more open with... well... everybody. About... well... everything.

I'm not thrilled.

As a matter of fact, if you walked into my room this minute and picked up my journal that is lying besides me and started to read it. ANY of it. I would probably snatch it out of your hands and hide it in the deepest darkest corner of the basement. (We dont have a basement, but that's not the point.) The point is that in my journal I am real. Completely, utterly, 100% genuine and honest.

Frankly, it aint pretty.

Oh parts of it are... there are lots of great little brilliant things God has given me in it (like the one below). But most of it is just me. Me struggling. Me hurting. Me questioning. Me over analyzing.

The thought of someone, ANYONE, seeing that side of me, that fragile, vulnerable little girl I try so hard not to be, terrifies me to my core.

But all masquerades must end, and eventually either we completely reject God, or we allow Him to use someone that is frail and broken.

I'm still looking for a door number three.

But until that time... this was my date with God a couple weeks ago:

God: "Seek peace, and pursue it."

Me: (seriously confused because 5 seconds ago I was talking about photography, truth, and who I was created to be... that was the conversation I THOUGHT we were having)
"Uhh... what?"

God: "Seek peace, and pursue it."

Me: "Peace with what? Peace with me? Peach with You? Peace with people? And how do you pursue it? I dont get it..."

God: "Peace from lies. Peace from fear. Peace from worry and care. Peace that is strong enough to fight every battle and weather every storm. Peace that remains when the world falls apart"

God: "I AM that peace. Seek ME, and PURSUE ME."

Kinda cool, huh? =)

Alaina is love.

2010-11-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

{Look at Corinthians 13 by my friend Abigail, check out her thoughts at http://ratherwhimsical.blogspot.com }

Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

Alaina is patient, Alaina is kind, and is not jealous; Alaina does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; she does not seek her own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Alaina never fails.

"Uh yeah or not" That was my first thought when reading this.
Second thought: Fail. Epic fail.
Third thought: That's what it should be.
Fourth thought: That's what it can be.

Yes. Because it's not about me. It's not about what I've done. It's not about what I feel capable of. It's about trying again tomorrow. It's about getting back up after you've fallen. It's about surrender. It's about dying to self, and letting God live through you. Every day.

More thoughts on this later...

"Life will knock us down, but we can choose to get back." [The Karate Kid]

[ You are More ]

2010-10-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

You are More by Tenth Avenue North

Black eyes... batters boxes... and Dr. Who....

2010-09-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

He’s been waiting for this moment all season, and all season is eternity when you’re a little league slugger. He’s up to bat and the team is counting on him. Five minutes later, he’s sitting in the dug out, pressing a bag of frozen peas against his swelling eye with blood running down his face. And when the coach asks him if he wants to try again, the best answer he can see is no.

“No problem” he says, “just take care of that eye... you’re gonna have a heck of a shiner.”

“Yeah, no joke”

So there the little guy sits, feeling like a failure, and hurting like the dickens. All the anticipation and excitement that he felt has turned into the most powerful dictator in all of history. Fear. Suddenly, he’s afraid of getting back up to bat. He’s afraid of being hurt, he’s afraid of failing again, and so he begins to think that he’d rather not try then try and fail.

I was watching an episode of Dr. Who the other day. He’s currently traveling without a companion, and when this girl crosses his path they are forced to join forces and defeat evil and save the world. At the end, she wants to go with him. To travel through space and time and share in his adventures. He tells her no. Because everyone that he’s traveled with has left him, and he doesn’t want to be left again.

We all have batters boxes that we’re afraid of, and usually one in particular because it’s the one that’s hurt us the most.

Most of my black eyes have been gotten in the batters box of relationships. And they’ve been black and blue and bloody to be sure. I carry scars I might not ever get rid of. It’s the box I fear more than anything because I know what that box can bring. I know how much it can hurt.

Guess what friends? Life isn’t lived in the dug out... it’s lived out in the field. If you want to truly live, you’re going to have to get back in that batters box. You can’t hide forever on the off chance that you might get another black eye... you are going to have to let go of caution, and take the risk.

Am I living in the batters box right now? Nope. Hardly. In fact, at this moment, I am not only in the dug out, I am cowering under the bench, covering my head with my arms, trying very hard to pretend like I’m not as hurt as I am.

That last black eye was excruciating.

It’s still hurting.

But, am I going to stay here? No. I know that the game is worth it. Sure, it’s going to hurt again, maybe worse next time, but I will not live my life as a spectator because I am afraid. I cannot, and I will not. Because I know better, and when we know better, we have no excuse.

"Those who risk, win."

[The analogy above was mostly taken from Mark Batterson's: Chase the Lion audio series, and his corresponding book In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day. Except the part about Dr. Who, that was from me. And so was the practical application. That's all.]

Life Lessons Learned Flying

2010-04-30T19:01:00.000-07:00

Wednesday morning my family and I started on what we have affectionately termed an “expedition” to North Carolina. We had to leave the house at 6:30 in the morning to get the car dropped off, security, ect. By the time we sat down in the plane with our respective Starbucks coffees and carry-on's, we were ready to start off on this adventure.

We were some of the first to board, so Gabriel, Josiah and I sat in the very back row. Mom and Dad and Rebekah sat in the third from the back so there was a row between us. (This was probably planned on Mom and Dad’s part so that when we started singing “Meet me in St. Louis” during landing, they could try to pretend like they didn’t know us.)

So we settled down while everyone else boarded. In front of us sat one guy by the window, and another on the aisle seat. With one empty one between them.

The last people to board were a middle-aged Indian couple. Well since there was one seat left in front of us, and another one a few rows ahead they couldn’t sit together. This seemed to bother them very much and the lady told the guy on the aisle seat to move up to the other seat. He told her that he was sitting where he was sitting. And she huffed off, bringing back her husband, who also told him that he should move so that they could have two seats together. By this time the plane was starting to taxi down the runway, and the flight attendant came up to try to resolve the situation. She told the Indian man (who seemed rather angry by now) that he had to sit in the empty seat and he needed to go now, the aisle seat guy (who we found out was a lawyer) had apparently requested an aisle seat and the flight attendant said it was okay.

All this time Gabe and I are looking at each other with wide-eyes hoping that a fight doesn’t break out and very happy not to be involved. And the window seat dude was just watching the whole thing like the rest of us. So, there we were with this mad Indian lady in between two laid-back guys, taking off, when window seat guy looks over at her and says “Haha! Shoulda gotten here earlier!” in a very matter of fact way.

Gabe and I about busted out laughing because it was just so fitting! Seriously, it was great. He totally told her off, but was rather nice about it too. We cheered him (quietly) the entire rest of the flight, and decided that if we knew his name we would be his fan on facebook.

Oh and shortly thereafter, he fell asleep and slept through St. Louis till Chicago. Gabe and I decided he must be a prophet.

But I got to thinking about that today, and I was wondering: how different would the world be if everyone just told it like it was? If we possessed such an ardent allegiance to the truth? If people we’re afraid to rub someone the wrong way if it was the right thing to do?

What would happen if pastors started telling it like it was?

What about statesmen?

What about you?

And I don’t mean you have to tell off some cranky lady in an airplane, I’m just talking about being will to speak truth.

Maybe it wouldn’t change anything… and on the other hand, maybe it would change the world.

Cheers from North Carolina!

Non Nobis Domine.

February, Truth, and God

2010-02-28T17:35:00.000-08:00

"Enough with the human bashing, okay? Some of my best friends happen to be human!"

- Jack Bruno, Race to Witch Mountain

I tried something... it didn't really work.
I've discovered that I can be a bit of a rule breaker, especially when I was the one that made up the rules in the first place. Ironic, but true.

I decided that for the entire month of February I wasn't going to say anything negative about myself. Then I took it a step further, when someone else said something positive about me, I wouldn't argue with them. I wouldn't even say "whatever."

Dang! It was hard!

I forgot a lot, some of the rest of the time I ignored it... but I did try not to.

I'll tell you why I attempted this in the first place.

A while back someone got on my case for saying "whatever" when they complimented me. They reminded me that one of our mutual friends does the same thing and they got it enough from her. I couldn't argue that because it's one thing that gets on my last nerve.

To me it says "I don't believe you. I don't care what you think about me. Your opinion doesn't matter."

In short, I knew how she felt.

I think maybe, sometimes, God feels like that too. He says He loves us... no, me, and I ask how He possibly could. He says that I'm perfect, and I say 'yeah right.' He says that I am making a difference in the lives of those around me, and I say 'worthless people don't make a difference.'

Do you suppose that He ever just sighs and wonders when I'm going to get it? When I'm going to get that He loves me as I am, because I could never be good enough? That He can use me as He created me because He doesn't make mistakes?

Lately God has been challenging me with truth. Mostly truth about what He says about me, but then He took it a step further and challenged me to accept the way that other people see me. To believe them when they tell me that I'm beautiful, encouraging, important, and loved.

Instead of shrugging it off and saying "whatever" on the outside, when my heart is breaking with utter worthlessness on the inside.
"They don't really know me..."
"Just wait, they'll change their mind... people always do."
"Someday they'll see me as I do, then they'll know I'm worthless."

God says that I've rested in the security of worthlessness far too long, and it's time to ditch it and hang onto Truth.

Is God challenging you with Truth? Is He challenging you to believe that you are loved not only by Him, but also by people?

Even though I messed up some in my whole "month of February" thing, I do know this. God says that I have to seek Truth, and so seek it I shall.

Because at the end of the day, the only thing truly worth hanging onto with everything you've got is Truth. I promise, it's worth it!

Non Nobis Domine!

What fears hold you back?

2010-01-21T18:26:00.000-08:00

Today I did something that I have wanted to do for my entire life, well, at least as long as I can remember.

I never have, and when my mother (who was surprised to learn that I had wanted to do this for so long) asked why I never had, this was my response:

“Because I thought it was silly, and that people would think that it was silly and childish.”

Mom: “I never thought that you cared that much for what people thought.”

Oh if only that were true! I do so wish that it were true…

By now you’re probably wondering what earth-shattering thing that I did today. Well, here it is:
I wore a flower in my hair.

No, I’m really serious.

Now before you call up the nice men in the white jackets, just hear me out. The other day, Tuesday morning to be precise, I had my Tuesday date with God. One of the first things that He said was:

“Have you the slightest idea how much that fear (fear of what people will think) holds you back from the very deepest desires of your heart?”

Ouch!

It’s true, oh it’s so true! I can’t deny one word of it. You see, my entire life has been ruled by expectations (real or imagined) that I had to meet. Decisions were decided based on what so-and-so would have thought or said about it. Even something as stupid as a flower! (Which, for the record, is not one of the deepest desires of my heart... I'm just using it as an example.)

Do you know how pathetic it feels to admit that about 20 years of life?

Um, take my word for it.

So to you, knitting a pink flower and pinning it in my hair might be just a tad bit ridiculous, actually, I don’t think it’s a big deal at all. But my point is this, if I’m not going to do something so meaningless based solely on the fact that I think people will think less of me, how on earth could I possibly do something significant if I thought that someone wouldn’t approve?

And so today, I did something that I’ve never done before, and you know what? I loved it!

Seriously, I did! It was so much fun.

Here’s something else God told me the other day:

“Look foolish, Alaina. Face fears, seize opportunities. Don’t run from it, run to it. Forget what you think about yourself. Forget the self-imposed standards of perfection. Forget what others might think about you. Alaina, live life passionately! Not with someone else’s passion, but with the one that I created within your heart.”

Exciting, isn’t it!?

My question for you is this, what is holding you back from being the incredible, passionate, world-changer that God has created you to be?

(And, on the bright side, the odds are you won’t even have to wear a flower in your hair to fulfill it.)

Non Nobis Domine

2009-12-31T16:26:00.000-08:00

Dear God.

Thinking over the last year... all the days and moments and smiles and tears that it was made up of. I wouldn't trade it for anything. You've blown me away not just in the ways I asked for, but in countless others too. How can I still doubt? How can I still question? Oh Father, I don't know what you have for this next year... but I do know this: it will be incredible, because YOU are incredible... and you haven't let me down yet. You promised You'd stay by my side, and I believe You.

Whatever it takes.

When 2010 brings on it's worst, I shall then do mine.

I'll climb trees.

I'll chase lions.

I'll risk love.

I'll go down swinging.

I'll hold on through hell.

I won't retreat.

I won't surrender.

I won't pursue any less than absolute triumphant victory.

I'm ready... let's go!

Non nobis Domine.

I love you.

~Alaina

2009 in Pictures

2009-12-29T18:13:00.000-08:00

January... designed and knit a caplet for Loops knitting contest... won too.

February... start of Advanced Excel and first speeches...

March... 8" of snow and a medical research paper...

April... khaki cargo skirts and adorable little girls... must be Pre-Excel

May... self-protrait for AE photography scavenger hunt

June... Advanced Excel 17 graduation...

July... Nebraska, Wyoming, and South Dakota... best family vacation EVER!

August... happiness is time with my Rachel...

September... start job number 2... nanny to a three-year-old and newborn

October... a fall wedding in VA, and a day in DC with some of my favorite people on the planet

November... time to take family pictures again!

December... God decided that I could have my swanky camera for Christmas <3

You know something?

Life is pretty good... it's hard... it's challenging... but it's good.

I've seen God's fingerprints all over this year.

I know that He is writing my story, and that it is perfect.

And so, each day, each moment, all of the little tiny details that make up life, are to be remembered and treasured.

Because this, this what makes life worth living.
And all of it is perfect.

Because He is perfect.

Non Nobis Domine.

Life Lessons Learned Rock Climbing

2009-11-22T15:20:00.000-08:00

"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb." - Nelson Mandela

My arms are shaking. Every muscle, even the ones I didn’t know I had, quiver with the exertion of just holding on to the rock. My hands are bleeding from the sharpness of the handholds, and my palms sweat as they always do when I most need them not to.
Looking down probably isn’t the best idea in the world, but I do anyway. Is there any way of climbing down safely before I kill myself on this thing? Nope. Can’t go back now. That would probably ensure falling rather than prevent it. I will simply have to continue, there is no alternative.
Sometime later I reach my goal, the summit that I had been pursuing so tenaciously. I reach up with my right hand to grasp the last handhold and pull myself up to the ledge. With one last great expense of effort I haul myself onto the surface and lay down, breathing heavily.
Eyes closed, with the sun on my face and the cool rock against my back, I smile. I did it! I made it! I didn’t quit, give up, or fail. I open my eyes to let out a triumphant yell, but instead of a yell, I let out a groan.
Oh terrific!
I’m not done. Where I’m sitting, isn’t a summit at all. It’s just a ledge. The summit is much farther up; I just couldn’t see the actual summit until I had gotten past this one.
I begin to analyze the next part of this formation. It’s going to be much, much harder than the one I just finished.
Well this is just wonderful! I’m tired. I’m sore. My arms are still shaking. I just got past one challenge and now I have to conquer another one? Ugg.
I lean up against the rock and draw my knees to my chest, resting my arms on them.
“Really God?” I ask. “Really?”
“Yep.” Says the Voice beside me.
We sit in silence for a few minutes, and then I ask.
“So do I really have to keep going? This next part is going to be a lot harder you know.”
“I know.” He replies. “It will always get harder. As you get stronger, the climb gets harder. If there was no challenge, there would be no growth, Alaina. You can’t keep climbing the same twenty feet of rock once you’ve conquered it. You have to keep moving forward.”
“But I know this rock now. I could climb it faster and better. I know what I’m doing.”
He smiled. “I know. So we go to a new rock, so that you will have to keep looking to me to direct you. You get independent too fast, little one, if we stayed here, you would soon forget to ask me for guidance.”
Much as I’d have liked to, I couldn’t argue with that.
“So, is this the end? Will this one be the destination?”
He smiled again. “The only way for you to know that, is to climb it.”
I made a face. I’d have much preferred knowing exactly how far off the destination was, or even what it was for that matter.
I sighed.
He laughed.
“I’m tired.”
“That which is required of you will never exceed the strength you’ve been given. I will never ask too much, Alaina.”
I looked at Him, saying nothing.
He smiled at me. “We’ve come too far to go back now, dearheart. You know that.”
I cocked my head and grinned. “Yep.”
“And I haven’t left you yet.”
“Nope.”
“So,” He said “what are you going to do?”
I looked up the side of the cliff toward the sky and smiled.
“Keep moving forward.”

"A well-ordered life is like climbing a tower; the view halfway up is better than the view from the base, and it steadily becomes finer as the horizon expands." William Lyon Phelps

Life is too short...

2009-09-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

Life is too short…

Not to hold the baby while they’re sleeping…

Not to read Dr. Seuss to a little kiddo…

Not to put cream in your coffee…

Not to call someone, just because you were thinking about them…

Not to tell someone what they have meant to your life…

Not to cry at the happy ending of a movie…

Not to eat dark chocolate…

Not to splash in rain puddles…

Not to lay in the grass and enjoy the blue sky…

Not to fall asleep in the sunshine…

Not to dance under the stars…

Not to make time for people you care about…

Life is too short not to tell someone that you love them for no other reason than the fact that you do.

"Pick the day. Enjoy it- to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come... The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present- and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future."
~Audrey Hepburn

A lesson from the moon...

2009-09-11T17:42:00.000-07:00

Last night I was ordered on a date… okay, not ordered, invited, but when the invitation is issued by someone other than your date, it feels more like an order. (I should know, I have definitely issued my fair share of similar orders.)

I was tired, really tired, and wanted a date with my pillow and bed. But, persistence prevailed and I went outside for my moonlit date (the other party insisted that God told them it had to be moonlight.)

I walked out into the backyard and looked at the sky. Nothing. No stars. No moon. Just clouds. I was really confused by this time, why would I be invited on a moonlit date by the Creator of the moon if He knew that the moon wasn’t even out? Didn’t make any sense at all…

Well I talked to Him for a few minutes and then went inside and crawled into bed.

As I was laying there, it hit me…

God: Alaina, did you see the moon?

Me: No, it was behind the clouds.

God: Does that mean that it wasn’t there?

Me: No, it was still there.

God: Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean that it isn’t right there. What could you see?

Me: The light. I could see what was around me, because of the light.

God: Just because the moon was behind clouds, did it stop reflecting the sun?

Me: No.

God: Alaina, when you haven’t been able to see me. When you weren’t sure that I was there. When I was behind the clouds, did that make Me any less there?

Me: No.

God: In the situations that were hard and painful and scary that “covered” me up so that you couldn’t see how I could possibly be in the situation, was I still there?

Me: Yes… you were.

God: Alaina, when the darkness tries to hide the Light, and when the fear tries to push out the love, and when the situations don’t look like they could possibly be good… am I any less in them, then I am in the Light?

Me: No.

God: Alaina, am I big enough to shine my light through the situations that are immersed in the darkness?

Me: Yes.

God: Just like the moon still reflected the sun when it was covered, My plan never stops reflecting my love. I am in all of them. Not one single situation is ever out of my hands.

Never underestimate the power of your God. Never underestimate the power of His love. Never underestimate how far His light can reach.

Never, never, NEVER give in to the darkness!!!

"Now, God be praised, that to believing souls gives light in darkness, comfort in despair."

~ William Shakespeare

Non Nobis Domine!

Keep Moving Forward!

2009-08-24T14:01:00.000-07:00

This past year has been… interesting, to say the least. There have been twists and turns in my little story that I certainly didn’t see coming, and usually didn’t welcome with open arms. There have been significant changes and developments. Overall, and looking back, it’s been a good year, I’ll admit. And even more than that, it’s gone better than I would have ever guessed that it could.

Yet, yesterday as I looked at pictures, I was flooded with an emotion that I wish I could say I was a stranger to, regret. Unfortunately, I can’t say that as my life has been full of “I wishes” and “if onlys.”

They had variations, “I wish I hadn’t fought so hard” “I wish I learned faster so that God doesn’t see second degree burns and weeks of being sick as the only way to get my attention” “I wish I didn’t stress out so much over not doing well, that instead I actually took the time to enjoy the amazing and tiny moments of life” “I wish I had been more encouraging to those around me” “I wish that I had looked outside of my own issues to help others” “I wish I’d been a better teammate”

But they all come back to one subject… me. They come back to something that I did or did not do. It comes back to Alaina. It comes back to her personal failures, some big, others not so.

And I guess, that is the whole problem. I cannot fix me. I cannot fix the past. I cannot fix the present. I cannot even guarantee that I will not make some of the same mistakes in the future. Truthfully, I really cannot do anything.

I suppose that is where God wants me to be. Realizing the mistakes I’ve made when I tried so hard to live my life on my own. It doesn’t work. Really. In fact, it’s failure in big red blinking neon lights! Because, I did try to be a good friend. I did try to be willing to let people in. I did try to not stress out over perfection. I did try to encourage and help and support. I think that sometimes I succeeded in my goals, sometimes I did surrender and let God work through me, but not always. Because I cannot succeed without God’s help, to be blunt, anything without Him is a failure.

In the Disney movie, Meet the Robinsons, their family philosophy is that failure is actually the greatest success, not because of any achievement that one reaches, but rather because you learn far more from a failure than you do from a success.

I think that over the last year I have had plenty of failures to learn from, hopefully I have indeed learned from them. Yet, if the only thing that I have accomplished is the knowledge that I cannot achieve anything without God, then all has not been in vain. Sure, there are still things that I would like to have done differently, but wishing won’t make it so and all that it serves is to keep me in a place that is gone forever.

In the midst of my regret, I remember that my God is bigger than my failures. He is bigger than my weakness. He is even bigger than me trying to do the right things and say the right things and completely forgetting my Source. He is big enough to work in them, through them, and to still use me after them.

Kinda cool, isn’t it? ;)

And so, I have decided to live without regrets. I do very much wish that I could stand, and declare to all of cyberspace that I will maximize the rest of my days to never have the slightest chance of regret again. But I cannot. I would be kidding myself and lying to you. Rather, I will learn from every failure, and seek God’s will through it, knowing that my God is big enough to create a success out of my failure.

In short, I will…
Keep Moving Forward!

“I understand why regrets are in vain – they keep your mind and heart in a place that is no more and prevent you from living the life you have.”
Kofi- The Captive by Joyce Hansen

Non Nobis Domine!

It all started with dark chocolate...

2009-07-27T17:15:00.000-07:00

It’s been sort of an off day. Not a bad day, per say, just an off one. So I reach up into my candy sash that faithful encourages me from my desk shelf, open up the bag of Dove dark chocolate that Emily gave me for graduation, and pull out a small heart-shaped piece.

Normally, dark chocolate is a sure way to cheer me up. It’s especially effective if it’s accompanied by some of my favorite music and knitting or a good book, depending on my mood. I also happen to get a kick out of reading the little sayings on the inside of the wrapper (there is a reason for this, but I’m not telling that story today). So, wondering what little smiles lie inside, I open the wrapper.

“Believe in those you love.”

Oh brother! Didn’t I get that one last time? Really? Is everything in my life coming back to this? This seems to be an intricate part of my current lesson from God. It also seems that I am a very slow learner and am still not getting whatever it is that I am supposed to be getting. Stupid candy wrapper… what does it know anyway?

I guess by now you’re wondering if I’ve completely lost it, or if something really weird was in the dark chocolate. The answer is neither… really, I promise!

Back to the stupid quote… Believe in those you love. What the dickens is that supposed to mean anyway? Does it mean that you believe in them after they’ve lied to you? After they’ve hurt you? Believe in them although they very well might hurt you? Believe in their profound and terrifying ability to make you the happiest person that you know or the most miserable? What?

Again… stupid quote.

Now that I've stopped calling it names.. I think what it comes down to is this, it isn’t necessarily the people that we love that we are supposed to believe it. It isn’t their goodness or kindness. It isn’t believing that they will never hurt us, or walk away when we need them. What it is, is belief that the Author and Finisher of our faith wrote them into our life story for a perfect and beautiful reason. (Even the horrid people. I know! I know… even them.)

Even more than that, it is the belief, no, it is the knowledge, that they are a child of the Most High God and they are fulfilling a perfect role in His Kingdom. It is getting past how they make you feel (or terrify you… or annoy the daylights out of you… or make you want to punch them in the nose… you get the idea), and instead seeing them as God sees them, and allowing Him to give you His unconditional love for them.

It is not, and never has been about you, but rather God’s perfect plan, which also happens to include loving people that are being rather unlovable. “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” If God can love you before you even acknowledged His existence, can you be willing to lay your heart on the line when He asks you to, and to love people that are no longer “safe” to love?

I’m not going to lie, someday it will most likely get you hurt. But if you can take that hurt and pain and turn it over to God, who wants more than anything to see absolutely full of love and joy, then it will be okay, because nothing is for nothing, and every last word of God’s stories are always perfect… you can count on it!

“Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.”

~Shakespeare

"People, even more than things, have ot be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone."

~Audrey Hepburn

(By the way, I did enjoy the chocolate.)

Non Nobis Domine!

Once upon a time....

2009-06-23T15:10:00.000-07:00

...there lived a young woman of God and she wanted to change the world. She knew that she was going to... because God told her that she would. She also knew that it would be amazing, because He had told her that too. But what she really didn't know specifics of how... or even exactly when for that matter. She wanted to know... and she wanted to get started!

She had just finished something that was amazing, and she knew that something else amazing was coming up, but right now she was inbetween. There was silence and stillness... not blinding flashes of the obvious. To be quite honest it was quite dull...

However, this young maiden knew one thing for absolute certain... it was that her God was big enough to work in the stillness, as well as in the raging storm. She knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt that she was right where her King wanted her for today, and therefore, it was meaningful. Even though it didn't look like she was changing the world.

You see, changing the world is not something that you wake up and decide to do one day... it's streched out over a lifetime. It is not an activity, it is a way of life. Sometimes, changing the world isn't doing something huge and obvious... sometimes, changing the world means reading to my little sister, or cleaning my room like my mom asked, or respecting my dad's decision... You see, changing the world is about heart movites and attitude, and being totally 100% where God has you for today!

You decisions of today are your destiny of tomorrow...

...how's your future shaping up?

"Watch your thoughts, they become your words.

Watch your words, they become your actions.

Watch your actions, they become your habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny."

This young girl is going Impact, Inspire, and Influence the world... not tomorrow, but TODAY. Not because of who she is or what she has done... but because of WHO HER GOD IS!

Non Nobis Domine!

2009-06-09T13:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it just seems like yesterday that I was walking into the DMC on February the 8th for Advanced Excel 17. Other times, it seems like a lifetime ago. The journey has been long, and if I had known exactly what it was going to be, I am not at all sure that I would have even started it.

As I sit here and write my very last blog post for an assignment, I think about how far I have come. The things that I have lost, and the things that have been won. I can honestly say, that the final outcome of these five months has been worth it. Worth the hard moments; the moments when I didn’t want to go on; and the moments when all I could do was cry.

Because, you see, these have not only been the hardest five months of my entire life, they have also been the most amazing. I have seen God work, not just in the blinding flashes of the obvious, but also in the moments of silence. I have seen victories won, in the lives of those around me, and in my own. I have traded a religion of God, for a relationship with Him.
I would not go back, not even if I could. I know that the days ahead will be hard. That the hopeless moments will come again and that the lies and fears are not going to relinquish me this easily. But I also know this: it will be worth it, and He will be there, and therefore, it will be good, and I cannot wait to see what is next.

“Non nobis, Domine, Domine, non nobis, Domine
Sed nomini tuo da gloriam.”

“Not to us, O Lord, not to us,
But to your Name give glory."

Know He is there…

Know He will never let you go…

Know you are loved…

~Alaina Christine… soon to be graduate of Advanced Excel 17, not because of who she is or what she has done, but because of Who her God is… Non Nobis, Domine!

The quote post...

2009-05-26T19:52:00.001-07:00

Quotes make me very happy, therefore it was pretty inevidable that they would be on my blog. However, I decided that they were brilliant and special enought to warrent their own post. So, because of that fact and that they make me so happy, here are a few that I particularly like...

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

"Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend."

~Plautus

"Friends, books, a cheerful heart, and conscience clear are the most choice companions we have here."

~William Hather

"God writes the gospel not in the Bible alone, but on trees, and flowers, and clouds and stars."

~Martin Luther

"The real magic of the world is to be found in the pages of books."

~Douglas Gresham

"Never ask more or less of yourself than your best."

"Life is my college. May I graduate well, and earn some honors."

~Louisa May Alcott

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."

~CS Lewis

And of course, it would be incomplete and totally un-me without an Audrey Hepburn quote! This is one of my favorites that I take as a motto often...

~Audrey Hepburn

KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED!

ACBAE06 ~ Photography Scavenger Hunt

2009-05-25T09:32:00.000-07:00

Stapler: They go together, because sometimes, what goes in must come out.

Refections: On the past and present; what we have lost, and what we have won.

Leap: The landing is pretty important.

Fears: Rejected... Abandoned... Alone...

Coffee: "Nothin' like coffee in the mornin'!"

Time: Because life is not lived in years, but rather in moments. The moments should always be treasured.

Squirrel: The encyclopedia talks about everything...

White Trash: Because I can't imagine anything more fitting to the trash than lies.

Date: My date spot, and the things that almost always accompany me.

Police: TPD: "Serving with Honor"

Self Portrait: "When Irish eyes are smiling... they're usually up to something!" I figure I'm Irish enough for it to count.

Making a Statement: Becuase Life is good. It's hard, it's challenging, sometimes it hurts, but

LIFE IS GOOD!

A Memory: MBG & Starshine...

Green: My favorite color... and my hug from God...

Music: My music on my favorite piano... it's over a hundred years old with ivory keys.

A Favorite Thing: Anything that lets me talk to YOU! :)

A Tool: My eighteenth birthday gift from my siblings... and my life-saver, more than once! :D

That's all folks! I hope that you enjoyed them, because I sure had fun taking them! :D Have a totally amazing day!

KNOW YOU ARE LOVED!

The Right to Lead: A Study in Character and Courage by John Maxwell

2009-05-12T20:23:00.000-07:00

In the book, The Right to Lead: A Study in Character and Courage, Mr. Maxwell uses inspirational stories and quotes to illustrate seven things that a truly good leader must do. These things are: take action, have a vision, self-sacrifice, take risks, have determination, service to others, and possess integrity. Without these aspects of character, a leader would be far less effective in his mission.

Aspect one: take action. You will never become a leader by sitting on the sidelines. A truly great leader is out there, with his or her followers, encouraging, supporting, and going through everything that they have asked those under them to go through. Leadership is about walking the road with your people, not about handing them a map and saying ‘Have fun!’

Aspect two: have a vision. Proverbs 29:18a says “Where there is no vision, the people perish:” A leader, taking into account what they are passionate about, what they have learned, what the needs of those around them are, what the bigger picture is, what God has planned for them, and what their resources are, then can have a life-altering message to share with the world. Once they have the perspective of who they are and what God has brought them through, they can go out and influence the lives of those around them. Once they have a vision that is bigger than them, they can be a leader worth following.

Aspect three: self-sacrifice. Once you surrender your own security, your own comfort, or your own desires, and place the needs and safety of those under you before your own, then you can be a great leader. Leadership is not about what you can gain, but about what you have to give.

Aspect four: take risks. The important thing in this quality is the difference between risk and recklessness. Recklessness is carelessness and lack of responsibility; risk is to lay out your life or your safety for the benefit and protection of others. Value others more than you value your own comfort and security. A wise leader will take only calculated risks that have been thoroughly evaluated.

Aspect five: have determination. Again, leadership is about being in the thick of what you have asked your people to do, so why on earth should they keep going if you have a history of quitting when the road gets rough? Nothing great was ever done by someone that did not possess the fortitude and resolve to keep on when the odds were stacked against them and it looked like a lost cause. Take the story of the Shackleton expedition for instance; the situation was literally hopeless, they should have all been lost to the sea or the brutal elements. Yet, through the courage and tenacious determination of their captain, not a single man was lost.

Aspect six: service to others. Humility, an indispensible quality for a great leader, is simply realizing that you are where you are today because of the investment of others in your life. Leadership is serving others with this humility, empowering them to go on and become great leaders as well. It is necessary to lay down your own desires, comfort, and time in order to best equip those under you.

Aspect seven: possess integrity. President Dwight D. Eisenhower once said, “The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office.” A leader is nothing without their character honorable and intact. No one will follow someone whom cannot be trusted to make decisions or looked to in times of struggle.

Leadership is not a job; it is a way of life. It is not something that you do when others are there; it is what you do when you know that you are alone. Leadership is not something that comes in moments of glory, but in moments of struggle and heartache. The road of leadership is not an easy one to travel, but it is a worthwhile road. You possess the influence to change your world. Are you willing to give what it takes to be a great and noble leader?

Look to the Healer...

2009-04-20T19:45:00.000-07:00

The dreary desolation and distruction that surround me mirror how my heart is feeling....

The feelings of being abandoned and alone return in the isolation...

the Fears become stronger...

and I do not want to face them...

I do not want to remember how much it hurt.

I am tired of the scars....

Tired of the painful reminders of having been left so many times before...

Tired of feeling worthless again and again...

Why God? I ask...

Why does it still hurt?

Why am I still afraid of what could happen?

Why cannot I be strong?

Why does it have to matter so very much?

Then, instead of looking around....

Instead of looking within...

I look up....

Up toward the vast sky and the new leaves after a long and barren winter.

I listen in the calm, and find that birds are singing...

it really was not as desolate as it first seemed.

You see, because even in the fear and alone...

He was there.

In the pain...

He was there.

Never once, was I out of His sight, or out of His hand.

He wants to heal your wounds...

to trade His peace for your fear...

Stop looking within, and start looking to Him.

The only purpose of pain is to receive comfort; and the only purpose of receiving comfort is to comfort others. But you cannot receive the comfort, until you acknowledge the pain.

"O Joy that seekest me through pain, I cannot close my heart to thee; I trace the rainbow through the rain, and feel the promise is not in vain that morn shall tearless be."

~ O Love that Wilt not let me Go ~

"The day is yours...."

2009-04-14T07:07:00.000-07:00

“Are you going to believe what you feel, or what I tell you? Are you going to believe what you see, or what I say is the truth about you? Are you going to dare to believe that I love you as you are, and that I see you as perfect, and you are precious to Me?” -God

The foe before you is unrelenting. It simply will not give up. You have been fighting it for so long, and your strength is about to give out, yet it seems to be as strong as when you started. It is hard, so hard to keep waging the war.

The biggest problem with your foe is this… Your foe is yourself. You have been fighting her for years and you are worn out with the war. Now, when you cannot fight any longer, you stop, you lay down your weapon, and you listen. That is when you hear Him…

“The day is yours.” He says in a quiet voice. “The victory has been won for you. You need not have fought so long; all that you had to do was to accept the triumph.”

God has chosen you to play this role. He has created you for this unique destiny. No one else in history or eternity can or could ever do what He has placed in you to do. But you cannot do what He has for you as long as you are still operating under the bondage of hopelessness in your own inadequacy.

Will you this day, forsake the lies? Forsake the fight that you do not have to be fighting? Once you do, He can show you what He sees. He can show you that you are now perfect, complete and entire, wanting nothing.

The gauntlet has been thrown. The challenge has been read. The victory won! The invitation is open; will you choose to believe that you are already perfect? Will you choose to believe that God has created you as you are and that He adores what He has made?

It's all part of the journey...

2009-03-31T07:40:00.000-07:00

"If you have men who will only come if they know there is a good road, I don't want them. I want men who will come if there is no road at all." –David Livingstone

As night falls, darkness surrounds you. You can no longer see where you have been, or where you are going. Fear grips your heart and you begin to panic. The realization of the situation comes to you in one word, lost. You feel completely and utterly lost.

You have to find your way back! You have to get back on the road! Every ounce of instinct that you possess screams at you to find direction, to walk with purpose, to be able to see your destination.

You begin to run, trying to escape the oppressive darkness. Your legs are driven by fear as they stumble on terrain that you cannot see. Tripping on something that you didn’t know was there, you are brought to the ground on your knees. You can’t get up, you can’t keep going. The tears that are streaming down your face drip softly into the dirt.

Forcing yourself to breathe deeply, you try to turn away from looking at the darkness that surrounds you. The only direction that you haven’t looked yet is up. As you lift your eyes to the heavens, the clouds part from in front of the moon as light illuminates the path that was invisible only moments before. Your feet still walk the path that has been laid out before you; it just didn’t come in the form that you were expecting.

Not being able to see the road didn’t make it any less there. The darkness was not something to be avoided, or to be gotten through, it was just part of the journey. You won’t always be able to see the road that your feet tread, but it’s there. It is a road, perhaps not as well trod or as visible at times, but it is always there nonetheless.

Don’t mistake Trust for a lack of direction.

"Not all who wander are lost." - J. R. R. Tolkien

I will...

2009-03-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

I will not shrink from what God chooses to put in my path.
I will not retreat, surrender, or run.

I will live outside my comfort zone.

I will smash boxes and shred lies.

I will no longer accept the partial truths, but seek the absolute Truth.

I will seek to see myself as God sees me.
I will not live in fear of the darkness, because I will remember what I have seen in the Light.
I will not waste today, but live it to the fullest, not lamenting the past or fretting about the future.
I will hold nothing back, but give everything that I have for my King.
I will live for an audience of One.
I will recognize that God has created me for an irreplaceable role in His greatest adventure.
I will remember perspective. The fact that it's not just about a war being waged, it's about a Victory being Won.
And when I meet a challenge that looks too deep or too high or too wide, I will not look at it as personal failure. Instead, I will look at it as an opportunity for
Triumphant Victory.